summer love-the sun. my love was there. we didnt talk. we kissed held my hand. we drove. come home to the smiling mother. big big smile teach kids share my love, my passion. look forward to seeing or being with you. we cuddled and had a blast. nothing bad. always you and I together. day and night just laughter. we were so awkward then grew on each other. the house, the kids. so sweet. so loving, nurturing. you kissed my cheek and grabbed my toes. bit my shoulder hold it. make fun of fun of me stroked me. yellow dress that hot day we never stopped. bad sunburn. iced coffee, tired sweat. flat tires and I would admire. drive some more drive faster at night the countdown of our numbered days just broke my heart never said anything just knew. unspoken words had never been said. september 18 you were harsh. better man, dance, cry anger emotions choked me. cold night, lonely drive, cry all the way home. dont say a word. you lost him, he was gone. one last soft kiss and you were gone. stripped down of my happiness. I cried the next day the whole way. leaving you, my love for my dog. the strong feelings for you. driving to what maybe seemed like hell. 

(this isnt supposed to make sense, it was a random writing exercise)

I alos really miss my Princess and Izzy sooo much. 

only 4 more days. <3

why must we chase the douche bags and when theres a nice boy in front of our faces, we’re too blinded and atupid to see it. ughhhh. 

to actually feel wanted. 

ahh, Its been such a long time. 

Hopefully this will be good. 

in humanity. 

the movie was amazing, the soundtrack is even better. I’m obsessed. 

Last night my mom said something really nice. she said, “it hurt me when I had you, therefore when you you’re hurt, its like I’m hurting all over again”. 

I love you. <3

so I’m waiting to go home at the airport and last night I got the weirdest feeling. I just got a bad feeling about going home. I just want to avoid bull shit, but I know its inevitable. It always comes to me, no matter what.It was to a point where I wanted to cry. I felt like a child not wanting to leave a playground or something.  

I believe its just emotional baggage that comes from being at home. I honestly kinda wish I could stay in Santa cruz a little longer. I cope and heal better when I’m here. Going home just means facing reality. I guess I can’t run forever. 

This break will be dedicated to family and aknowledging the things that make home good. I dread all the bad things, but I’m not thinking about the good in going home, the holidays, the love, everything. Hopefully things will turn out for the best.

In this case, ignorance will be bliss. 

EPIC FAIL. 

:[

you try to move on and you just end up back to square one. 

at least I tried….

lets take Tequila shots! 

wait, I already did. 

WOOOOOOO!

Since I have a lot of time to kill, I decided that there’s much to be thankful fro this year, so here’s a list:

_family. <3

_friends. [ lots of new and old]

_RAINBOW THEATER! 

_new friendships that will probably last a lifetime. 

_frozen potstickers from trader Joe’s. [if you know me well, you know why]

_mamabear, for being there 24/7 and dealing with my sobbing on the phone wayy too much. 

_F-206. 

_team ram-rod[w/ Jeff]

_BOOOOZE! [ for comforting me at all times]

_Izzy, for always listening. 

_real meals.

_daddy- for giving me strength and advice that will keep going & for the philosophical mind fucking conversations, in which I get lost and then feel stupid and can’t argue back. 

_the best, coolest room mate ever, who is ALWAYS there for me, no matter what. 

_<3KATIE LADOUCEUR<3 my other half. 

_Tequila. 

_insane rainbow parties, where I felt my drinking was challenged. 

_random SF nights. 

_Costco 

_drinking On Tuesday nights with outreach. 

_NOT THROWING UP FROM DRINKING,FTW!

_improving my ways of life.

_”fake it til you make it”. 

_ rainbow dance partayyys! [at the gas station, restaurants, stevenson, parking lots, clubs, cars, etc.]

_finally finding my niche and realizing that UCSC is where I belong. :]

_PAQITA! babygirl.

to be continued… 

So the last 3 days I was in LA on the outreach trip and it was seriously

a life changing experience on so many levels. The first school was okay, but teh last two went sooo well. I talked to a lot of students and made sure they knew I was there to answer questions and help. I met this girl who was an AB540 student. She told me how she was scared she wouldn’t be able to afford college if she got in, but she had the grades. I felt myself tearing up but realized she needed someoen strong to be there and listen. I told her about all the resources she had, and at the end told her not to give up, and that it would be worth it in the end. I hope it turns out well for her. 

I guess I’ve been in this pensive mood, and I started thinking how screwed things were for her. there’s so many people who have the chance to go to college and they choose not to simply because they don’t want to, and then theres people like this girl who want go soo badly, but can’t. TO think that sometimes I find myself complaining about the most insignificant things, when there’s bigger problems in the world. 

Aside from visiting the schools, I also got a chance to talk to my parents about whats been going on with me. although I talk to them almost everyday, its so different to talk in person. My dad gave me some really good advice, that got me reflecting on my life what made me happy. The most memorable was him saying that going away to college was a risk i took and that not everyone will appreciate it, because not everyone is willing to make such a drastic change. He said it was understandable to feel lonely or even second think whether it was the right choice, but we both agreed it was. Sometimes its hard to reassure myself that it was the best decision. 

over all, the trip was successful. 

so last night I was having the usual talk with mother. I was pretty bummed for what seem like dumb reasons now. I was explaining it ti her, just because I needed someone to listen. I then talked to her about my Thursday night. 

I somehow got convinced to go to SF to some gay club with some rainbow people. I had class at 9:30 the next day and was not down. But a friend asked what I would possibly do at home aside from mope around. So of course I went. It was soo much fun. There was  moment where i went to the upstairs area with my friend and we were looking down on everyone enjoying a drink and just dancing.  Looking to our group of people and everyone was having the time of their lives, and laughing. I thought to myself, what am I doing dwelling on insignificant things when I have this in front of me? A great group of people, in a beautiful city, at this cool venue.

All of a sudden I had this appreciation for what my life was at that very moment. Not everyone gets the chance to come out to the city for one night and just unwind and have a good time. this is the song that was playing. the moment is still clear in my head:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgM3r8xKfGE

I know, perfect club song! THe moment was so perfect. After wards we went back and joined everyone else. As I was telling mother this she though I was crazy for going out like that but also said, this is the time for you. Its your time to have fun, and enjoy life. If things aren’t going your way owell, have fun with life. Shes so right, and I haven’t been doing that lately the way I used to. I love my mamabear, she always knows what to say and how to put a smile on my face. Luckily, I get to see her in 2 days. <3